The Musicians Library

A violist was hiking through Switzerland...

Most Blues begin, “woke up this morning”
“I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. e.g.,
I got a good woman,
with the meanest dog in town.
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. e.g.,

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pounds.
The Blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements.
Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable Blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin‘ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin‘ to die.
Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige, mauve, and taupe.
You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall—the lighting is wrong.
Good places for the Blues are the highway, the jailhouse, or an empty bed.
Bad places for the Blues are Ashrams, Gallery openings, weekend in the Hamptons, or Trump Plaza.
No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

You will be more believable if (a) your first name is a southern state—like Georgia, (b) you’re blind, (c) you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below), and/or (d) your woman can’t be satisfied.

You will be less believable if (a) you were once blind but now can see, (b) you have a trust fund, (c) you hold elected office, and/or (d) your woman CAN be satisfied.
Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the Blues.
If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues.

Other blues beverages are (a) cheap wine, (b) Irish whiskey, and (c) muddy water.

Blues beverages are NOT (a) any mixed drink, (b) any wine Kosher for Passover, or (c) Yoo Hoo (all flavors).
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. Other blues ways to die include the electric chair, substance abuse or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
Some Blues names for women are Sadie, Big Mama, and Bessie.
Some Blues names for men are Joe, Willie, Little Willie and Lightning.

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
“Blues Names Starter Kit”
Title = name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
First name = (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
Last name = name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

E.g., Blind Lemon Jefferson, Lazy-eye Willie Hamilton, or Asthmatic Kiwi Fillmore

Song writers adhering to these guidelines will be authentic Blues writers!

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A Player’s Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line

If there were a basic training manual for large ensemble players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor’s goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player).

Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It’s best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
Look the other way just before cues.
Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
Ask for a re-audition or seating change—ask often—give the impression you’re about to quit. Let the conductor know you’re there as a personal favor.
Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players, drop mutes. Percussionists, have a wide variety of droppable items—but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C-sharp was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C-sharp or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part).
At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don’t have the music.
Look at your watch frequently: shake it in disbelief occasionally.
Tell the conductor, “I can’t find the beat.” Conductors are always sensitive about their “stick technique” so challenge it frequently.
Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good—ask, “Is this the first time you’ve conducted this piece?”
When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you’ll never be able to play it. Don’t say anything—make him wonder.
If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.

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O Holy Night

A Trumpet Player’s Gig

Hummel Trumpet Concerto

Trumpet Violations

Orchestra Personnel Standards

Math/Logic Quiz

Wilson is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If he adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from his colleagues will he be able to retire on the money he has saved if he invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before he is fired from his job? If not, calculate the probablitity of him ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again!
Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for 12 years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x 0.0076. Assuming he stopped practising altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?
Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?
Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?
Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?
Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?
Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?

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Wedding Music Requests

Wedding Music Request Response

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Snovly,

Thank you for engaging us.

Because we know better than you, please, don’t tell us what to do, play, wear, or bring. Please, just simply pay us what we ask, and please forgo all the tedious nickel-and-diming people like you always try to get away with. (You know who you are!)

- We want four (4) COMFORTABLE chairs; not folding metal chairs, not splintery ones, and not those cane chairs where the seat is about to fall through. Preferably padded—No—MUST be padded.

- We will not play outside, so don’t ask.

- We want to be fed. Fed well. The same food your 200 guests eat. What’s four more meals, really? We will not eat sandwiches. Especially not sandwiches on white bread. And we want to eat at a table. Is that too much to ask? We are not “the help” so please do not treat us that poorly!

- Before the engagement, please do not call us. Once we have been hired, that’s it...you don’t need to talk to us for any other reason.

Please do not call other bands trying to compare prices. We all cost the same. Incidentally, we all wear the same clothes, play the same arrangements, and hire the same people, so it really makes no difference.

- Again, do not make requests for music we do not have. It’s just way too much of a pain to cater to your tiny needs. Find a new favorite song. No Andrew Lloyd Webber—Period!!

- No song will be transposed down a half-step so your cousin Jeannie can sing it during your candle lighting ceremony. I’m sure she’s not a very good singer anyway.

- Forget about The Bride Cuts the Cake, The Hokey Pokey, Alley Cat, The Chicken Dance, etc. These are juvenile songs. We are artists and we will not degrade ourselves. Furthermore, there is no reason for you to act stupid in front of us.

- The garter and bouquet are OK, but do not allow children under 18 years of age to participate (or 12 years old in Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi).

Do not allow young children to make requests. The wretched little imps are not as cute as you think they are, and nobody else wants to hear their crummy tunes anyhow.

And finally the answer is no! You can’t keep the demo tape. They aren’t cheap, you know!

Thank you for using us, and DO call again!

With warm wishes,
The Band

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Country Tuba

Things You’ll Never Hear on a Musician’s Tour Bus

12 Music Biz Secrets

The badness of a musical composition is directly proportional to the number of violas in it.
People who feel the need to tell you that they have perfect pitch are telling you that their sense of relative pitch is defective.
You should never say anything to a sideman that even remotely sounds like a compliment unless you are prepared to pay double scale.
Wynton Marsalis can hold all the Lincoln Center Jazz Concerts he wants. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms will still prefer Yanni.
The one thing that unites all non-musicians, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, they all have below-average musical taste.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your musical talent. That time is age 11.
People who want you to listen to their music almost never want to listen to yours.
There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates music for television dramas. When TV composers need a new dramatic cue, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible musical themes, it spits out, ONE LONG LOW SCARY NOTE ON A SYNTHESIZER, and this becomes the cue. The next time they need a cue, the computer spits out, TWO LONG SCARY NOTES ON A SYNTHESIZER. And so on, ad infinitum. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers—along with TV producers and entertainment lawyers.
The main accomplishment of Disney Studios was the film, Fantasia, in which they ripped-off Stravinsky’s The Rite of Spring by paying his agent $2500, of which Stravinsky received $500.
The value of a composer’s agent is to convince the producer that using a music-cue library would not be cheaper than hiring a composer.
Your friends love you, even if you are tone-deaf.
You should not confuse your lack of musical talent with your inferiority complex.

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Bass Player Violations

45 Great Lies of the Music Business

The 36 Rules for Bands

Never start a trio with a married couple.
Your manager’s not helping you. Fire him/her.
Before you sign a record deal, look up the word “recoupable” in the dictionary.
No one cares who you’ve opened for.
A string section does not make your songs sound any more “important”.
If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it’s time to break up.
When you talk on stage you are never funny.
If you sound like another band, don’t act like you’re unfamiliar with their music.
Asking a crowd how they’re doing is just amplified small talk. Don’t do it.
Don’t say your video’s being played if it’s only on the Austin Music Network.
When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention “artistic freedom” and “a guaranteed 3 record deal”.
When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
Never name a song after your band.
Never name your band after a song.
When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
Never enter a “battle of the bands” contest. If you do you’re already a loser.
Learn to recognize scary word pairings: “rock opera,” “white rapper,” “blues jam,” “swing band,” “open mike,” etc.
Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it’s rock ‘n’ roll, not a soccer game. They’ve gotta stop coming to your shows.
It’s not a “showcase”. It’s a gig that doesn’t pay.
No one cares that you have a web site.
Rock oxymorons—“major label interest,” “demo deal,” “blues genius,” “$500 guarantee,” and “Fastball’s second hit.”
Don’t hire a publicist.
Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn’t mean you’re on tour.
Don’t join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don’t join a cover band.
Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
Don’t stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That’s what girlfriends/boyfriends are for (and/or lead singers!).
3 things that are never coming back are (a) gongs, (b) headbands, and (c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
Do not wear shorts onstage...or a suit...or a hat.
Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks.

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Average Homeboy’s Back

Singer Violations

As a bagpiper,...