Tuba player and longtime director of The Simpson’s, David Silverman, proves
that tuba players have the greatest sense of humor. If only Wagner had
David directing Der Ring des Nibelungen—Just think of the
possibilities. Mr. Silverman, however, chose to choreography his
pyrotechnic antics to the music of an equally respected artist—Britney Spears.
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Flamers
Following in the the footsteps of last Joke of the Fortnight’s fire-breathing
tuba, these guys help bring a new level of literalism to the term,
“a burning solo.” Unlike the tuba player, however, the
implementation of their “modifications” seems to have forsaken one or two
basic logistics.
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Two fortnights ago we took a little cheap-shot at Britney Spears. That
wasn’t very fair and the life of a famous pop star isn't easy. So we’d
like to offer her to you in a more serious context. You remember the
one-on-one interview she
had with NBC’s Matt Lauer in June 2006 don’t you? Here is a little excerpt of
that meeting brought to you by The Jimmy
Kimmel Show.
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...when he came upon a shepherd tending his flock of sheep.
“If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock,” asks the violist, “will you give me one?”
“All right,” responds the shepherd. “How many sheep are there in
my flock?”
“One hundred fifty-three,” responds the violist.
“You’re right!” responds the stunned shepherd as the violist picks out
one animal. “How did you know that?”
“Lucky guess,” responds the violist.
“If I can guess your profession, will you give me my sheep back?” asks
the shepherd.
“Okay,” responds the violist.
“You’re a violist,” says the shepherd.
“How did you know?” asks the violist.
“Give me my dog back and I’ll tell you.”
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Longtime American news personality and network anchorwoman, Connie Chung, shows that she doesn't take herself too seriously
as she sings farewell to to the network (MSNBC) that has just cancelled her short
run talk show. It’s not the first time she’s done a gag like this from the
spotlight (she’s worked in renowned positions at ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN), but
with the multitude of high-speed Internet connections today, this is her most
infamous swansong.
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“I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless
you stick something nasty in the next line. e.g.,
I got a good woman,
with the meanest dog in town.
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
e.g.,
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs 500 pounds.
The Blues are not about limitless choice, convertible
debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact
statements.
Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable Blues
transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin‘ plays
a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin‘ to die.
Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues.
Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you
shoot a man in Memphis.
You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Austin and Kansas City are
still the best places to have the Blues.
The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige,
mauve, and taupe.
You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall—the
lighting is wrong.
Good places for the Blues are the highway, the jailhouse, or an
empty bed.
Bad places for the Blues are Ashrams, Gallery openings, weekend in
the Hamptons, or Trump Plaza.
No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless
you happen to be an old black man.
You will be more believable
if (a) your first name is a southern state—like Georgia, (b) you’re
blind, (c) you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below), and/or
(d) your woman can’t be satisfied.
You will be less believable if (a) you were once blind but now can
see, (b) you have a trust fund, (c) you hold elected office, and/or
(d) your woman CAN be satisfied.
Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the Blues.
If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the
Blues.
Other blues beverages are (a) cheap wine, (b) Irish whiskey, and (c)
muddy water.
Blues beverages are NOT (a) any mixed drink, (b) any wine Kosher for
Passover, or (c) Yoo Hoo (all flavors).
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
Other blues ways to die include the electric chair, substance abuse
or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
Some Blues names for women are Sadie, Big Mama, and Bessie.
Some Blues names for men are Joe, Willie, Little Willie and
Lightning.
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
“Blues Names Starter Kit”
Title = name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
First name = (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
Last name = name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
From the mind of, composer, performer, film maker
, Steve Peterson, a violent encounter with ghouls.
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If there were a basic training manual for
large ensemble players, it might
include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as
if many young players take pride in getting the conductor’s goat. The
following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits
that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods
depend upon the imagination and skill of the player).
Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes
attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the
music on the floor.
Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting,
crowded space, or a draft. It’s best to do this when the conductor is
under pressure.
Look the other way just before cues.
Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds.
Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
Ask for a re-audition or seating change—ask often—give the impression
you’re about to quit. Let the conductor know you’re there as a personal
favor.
Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity,
especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players, drop
mutes. Percussionists, have a wide variety of droppable items—but cymbals
are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several
seconds.
Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (horn, oboe and clarinet
players are trained to do this from birth).
Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C-sharp was
in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C-sharp or were not
playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note
in your part).
At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be
busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and
disappointing.
Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you
don’t have the music.
Look at your watch frequently: shake it in disbelief occasionally.
Tell the conductor, “I can’t find the beat.” Conductors are always
sensitive about their “stick technique” so challenge it frequently.
Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the
piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good—ask,
“Is this the first time you’ve conducted this piece?”
When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your
head indicating that you’ll never be able to play it. Don’t say
anything—make him wonder.
If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same
phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct
until backstage just before the concert.
Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others
will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet,
nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is
keeping you from doing something really important.
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A young, up and coming executive is singled out for not indulging in a
popular vice. As an indirect result of this he meets his downfall when
he indulges in a much more taboo habit at an office function. Here
is a brilliant, musical spoof by writer/director, Michel Poirier, on a popular social issue in the United States.
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If this was the in-house musical act at the inn 2000 years ago, perhaps
Mary and Joseph chose to stay in the stable instead.
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From the mind of, composer, performer, film maker
, Steve Peterson, a short film showing Santa’s sixth sense of whose naughty and
nice.
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This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn’t have a gig in a while.
His agent tells him, “Listen, there aren’t any gigs out there, but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions.”
To which the trumpet player replies, “What does that have to do with my playing?” The agent then says, “Look, the gig
pays $100 for each lion that you bag, don’t worry about playing.”
At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any
practice time, he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only
thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices
that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the
back of his truck. He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the
lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon.
The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another. He says, “What the heck, one more won’t
hurt.” He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he starts to
play louder. The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster
but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him.
One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says, “I told you that the gig would be over when he gets to the deaf one.”
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Music of the classical era is synonymous with elegance, class and
sophistication which makes this rendition of the opening of Hummel’s Trumpet
Concerto so fitting.
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NAME OF OFFENDER_____________
INFRACTION DATE _____________
MUSICAL VIOLATIONS:
Playing highest note possible in warm- up - $100
Sound-checking mic with obnoxious jazz licks - $15
Raising hand after mistake - $15
Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig - $15
Blacking out after high note - $20
Obnoxiously show-offy warm-up - $25
Taking tuning note up an octave - $25
Vibrato on unison passage - $50
Failure to use 3rd valve slide - $50
Playing B-flat when band tunes to A - $75
Being told by conductor to play louder - $400
Failure to swing - $1000
LEAD PLAYERS:
Changing mouthpieces mid-song - $15
Faking section into early entrance - $10
Faking self into early entrances - $20
Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig(s) - $25
Asking conductor if it’s ok to take a lick up - $25
Asking conductor if it’s ok to take a lick down - $400
Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal - $100
Missing last note of In the Mood - $200
SECTION/NON-LEAD PLAYERS:
Missing entrance when lead drops out - $15
Pointing out to the lead that guy on the record took that last lick up - $20
Attempting unassigned lick biffed by lead - $50
Asking lead what mouthpiece he uses - $75
Hanging over past lead on last chord - $100
Attempting to out-screech lead on last chord - $100
Successfully out-screeching lead at any time - $500
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS:
Playing with screw on rim - $10
Polishing horn on stage - $15
Dropping mute - $10
Forgetting pencil - $20
Forgetting mute(s) - $50 Each
Forgetting bow-tie or socks - $30
Forgetting mouthpiece - $30
Forgetting magazine - $100
Blaming mistake on sticky valves - $25
Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell - $75
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE:
Having nicest gig-bag in section - $10
Talking about the great deal you got on a new horn - $10
Hawking old horn on Bandstand - $10
Quoting Herb Alpert or Mangione Song - $25
Farting on bandstand - $25
Defecating on bandstand - $75
Practicing legit style on swing gig - $35
Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days - $50
Beginning a sentence with “When I played for Kenton...” - $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you also play Keyboards - $100
BASIC STUPIDITY
Wearing old MF tour shirt - $15
Wearing new MF tour shirt - $25
Playing on a Jet-tone mouthpiece - $20
Continually asking, “Where are we?” - $25
Drunkenness on stage - $25
Stoned on stage - $50
Pretending to be friends with a bone player - $50
Actually being friends with a bone player - $200
Dating a bone player - $750
Loaning money to bone player (4x amount loaned)
Sitting next to conductor at meals - $100
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Composer, performer, film maker, Steve Peterson would like you to
watch this film before considering a date with a bass trombonist this
Valentine’s Day,
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So how was your Valentine’s Day? Romance has always been a source
of inspiration for new music. So if you suffered a bad “hookup” this year
here’s a way to commemorate it in song.
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Many have come before them (Milli Vanilli, Ashley Simpson), but these
guys really know how to sell a performance—and English isn’t even their
native lanuage!
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Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
Concertmaster
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Oboist
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
Trumpet player
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Bassoonist
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
Second violinist
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
Orchestra Manager
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says, “Look at the choo-choo.”
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
Timpani player
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
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Music majors are, by far, the most courageous and outspoken students in any
educational institution.
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What do you get when you mix the fan appeal of Star Trek, the literary success of The Lord of the
Rings and the emotional power of music? A really unfortunate music video. What was he
thinking!?!
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Wilson is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If he adopts a
policy of playing only on rejected reeds from his colleagues will he
be able to retire on the money he has saved if he invests it in
mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before he is fired from his job? If
not, calculate the probablitity of him ever working in a
professional symphony orchestra again!
Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for
12 years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to
practice decreases by the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x
0.0076. Assuming he stopped practising altogether four years, six
months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is
completely unable to play the double bass?
Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making
disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The
probability of her making a negative comment about any given
musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances out of
17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra
sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative remarks
does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five
of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors
are also musicians?
Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is
unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays
0.3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is
already 0.16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the
orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation
time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way
undetected?
Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He
tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each
concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert,
what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by
Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?
Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or
flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her
colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these
passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the
total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the
complete works of Richard Strauss?
Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of
coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the
entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph
going to live?
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William Shatner had a career before Start Trek and continues to enjoy
success. Some
of the low points were his attempts at being a musical vocalist (not necessarily a
singer—watch this video and you’ll see what we mean). This performance of
the famous Beetles song, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, is from his 1968
album, The Transformed Man. Although many graphic artists have mocked
this performance by adding humorous video to it, the clip below by Paul Heriot
is, by far, the most popular. It’s a difficult task to create visual
imagery that’s as laughably ridiculous as the audio track—especially since the
audio is made funnier when you realize that Shatner wasn’t trying to be funny when he recorded
it. Who would have guessed that Captain Kirk was a fan of Arnold
Schoenberg’s vocal technique, sprechstimme.
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...in Holland? Supporting a youngster’s dreams of becoming a pop star is one
thing; but, this music video is like something out of a South Park episode.
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We’ve all seen that Japanese video game in which you have to dance on the
squares. It’s no wonder why the Japanese youth is in such great shape.
Well, we’ve just discovered secret to how Japan puts out so many high quality
pianists.
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Thank you for your letter. I really do think you have an
attitude problem and do want a few requests played if you don’t
mind. What my wife and I were thinking was:
- Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please
arrange for full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.
- Mahavishnu Orchestra, Dance of the Maya and please have the guitar
player play John Mcglaughlin’s solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at
Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and particularly liked his
use of polyrhythmics. If you find it too difficult you can leave out
the feedback. Your choice.
- John Coltrane’s duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their
use of atonality is not everyone’s cup of tea, but my guests are usually
fond of high register tenor saxes.
- We thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. We particularly like
the Rite of Spring. If you want to use the sheet music it’s OK. My
husband likes it about 1/4 note = 93 beats per minute.
- Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please learn Frank Zappa’s The
Great Wazoo. If you want to play it in the originally B flat, that
would be OK. And yes, cousin Jeannie does want to sing the baritone sax
solo. Please don’t say no, it would hurt her feelings so.
- Finally we have built our own musical instruments (It’s kind of a
hobby with us) and we would appreciate if you would use our instruments. None of
them are based upon a 12 tone scale or on common harmonics, but our
5-year-old son tells us it’s not really that hard to transpose once you
understand the physics.
We would be happy to pay each member an extra $25 for any inconvenience.
Thank you and don’t be late!
Mr. and Mrs. Snovly
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Here’s a merging of the classics from one genre with the classics of another.
Both requiring hours of intense practice to master. Warning: you may have
to be a male between the ages of 35 and 45 to truly appreciate this!
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Because we know better than you, please, don’t tell us what to do, play, wear, or bring. Please, just
simply pay us what we ask, and please forgo all the tedious nickel-and-diming people like you always try to get
away with. (You know who you are!)
- We want four (4) COMFORTABLE chairs; not folding metal chairs, not splintery ones, and not those cane chairs
where the seat is about to fall through. Preferably padded—No—MUST be padded.
- We will not play outside, so don’t ask.
- We want to be fed. Fed well. The same food your 200 guests eat. What’s four more meals,
really? We will not eat sandwiches. Especially not sandwiches on white bread. And we want to eat
at a table. Is that too much to ask? We are not “the help” so please do not treat us that poorly!
- Before the engagement, please do not call us. Once we have been hired, that’s it...you don’t need to
talk to us for any other reason.
Please do not call other bands trying to compare prices. We all cost the same. Incidentally, we
all wear the same clothes, play the same arrangements, and hire the same people, so it really makes no difference.
- Again, do not make requests for music we do not have. It’s just way too much of a pain to cater to your
tiny needs. Find a new favorite song. No Andrew Lloyd Webber—Period!!
- No song will be transposed down a half-step so your cousin Jeannie can sing it during your candle lighting
ceremony. I’m sure she’s not a very good singer anyway.
- Forget about The Bride Cuts the Cake, The Hokey Pokey, Alley Cat, The Chicken Dance, etc. These
are juvenile songs. We are artists and we will not degrade ourselves. Furthermore, there is no reason for
you to act stupid in front of us.
- The garter and bouquet are OK, but do not allow children under 18 years of age to participate (or 12 years old
in Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi).
Do not allow young children to make requests. The wretched little imps are not as cute as you think they
are, and nobody else wants to hear their crummy tunes anyhow.
And finally the answer is no! You can’t keep the demo tape. They aren’t cheap, you know!
Thank you for using us, and DO call again!
With warm wishes,
The Band
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Look into the mind of Steve Peterson, through this tongue and cheek film
featuring Houston Symphony Orchestra’s principal French hornist, Bill
VerMeulen and his “crew”.
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From The Vandals’ 1999 parody album, The Vandals Play Really Bad Original Country Tunes.
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Throwing
a drumset into a dumpster without hitting the rim and having it land
perfectly atop the pile of violas, totally crushing them and the trombone player
scavenging for food.
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The 20th century offer composers the opportunity to write motion picture
soundtracks, video game music, corporate audio logos (e.g., Intel) and ringtones.
This particular computer’s startup sound is particularly reminiscent of a
Wagnerian opera.
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Many Japanese businesspeople enjoy Karaoke during their leisure time.
For those who really want to rock out, this Japanese salesman has something
special to show you; and, did he mention, “It has crash cymbals?”
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Inspired by the hit video game and armed with the theme music to the
movie, these two guys decide to make a music video. They’ve got the
stylin’ hairdos, the fancy threads, and all the cool moves; but, their antics
aren’t the only thing that makes this music video different. This music
video is of the breed that is almost totally instrumental—there’s no singing.
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When you have to memorize or learn something new, setting whatever it is to
music is a good way of fixing it in your mind. A Japanese company has
used this idea in the way they teach English and then combined it with aerobics.
Their choice of English phrases speaks volumes of their notion of what is useful and practical knowledge when
dealing with English speaking people. (Also, take note of their choice of
background music for the harrowing dramatizations.)
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The badness of a musical composition is directly proportional to
the number of violas in it.
People who feel the need to tell you that they have perfect
pitch are telling you that their sense of relative pitch is
defective.
You should never say anything to a sideman that even remotely
sounds like a compliment unless you are prepared to pay double
scale.
Wynton Marsalis can hold all the Lincoln Center Jazz Concerts he
wants. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the
Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few
microorganisms, the microorganisms will still prefer Yanni.
The one thing that unites all non-musicians, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, they all have below-average musical taste.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your musical talent. That time is age 11.
People who want you to listen to their music almost never want
to listen to yours.
There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer
that generates music for television dramas. When TV composers need a
new dramatic cue, they turn on this computer; after sorting through
millions of possible musical themes, it spits out, ONE LONG LOW
SCARY NOTE ON A SYNTHESIZER, and this becomes the cue. The next
time they need a cue, the computer spits out, TWO LONG SCARY NOTES
ON A SYNTHESIZER. And so on, ad infinitum. We need to locate this
computer and destroy it with hammers—along with TV producers and
entertainment lawyers.
The main accomplishment of Disney Studios was the film, Fantasia,
in which they ripped-off Stravinsky’s The Rite of Spring by paying his
agent $2500, of which Stravinsky received $500.
The value of a composer’s agent is to convince the producer that
using a music-cue library would not be cheaper than hiring a
composer.
Your friends love you, even if you are tone-deaf.
You should not confuse your lack of musical talent with your
inferiority complex.
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Here, again, we have the Zuiikin Girls aerobics class from Japan using music and movement to teach the most bizarre
English phrases. Although the music is strangely hypnotic, it would have
been a much more effective teaching tool had it shared some degree of aesthetic
context or affect with the lyrics. And why are they teaching these
particular phrases?
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NAME OF OFFENDER_____________
INFRACTION DATE _____________
MUSICAL VIOLATIONS:
Playing loudly during warm up - $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping - $25
Loud cursing after mistake - $10
Playing high and fast after mistake - $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes - $20
Asking for “E” tuning note - $25
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb - $50
Playing written-out walking line - $50
Failure to play written walking line - $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes - $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures - $50
Playing eighth notes - $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes - $10 each
Playing above 1st octave - immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo - $75
Dragging ballad tempo - $100
Blacking out during ballad - $200
Ignoring drummer’s tempo - $100
Following drummer’s tempo - $250
Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me - $1000
UPRIGHT PLAYERS:
Showing up before first downbeat - $25
Playing audibly - $25
Faking changes - $25
Slapping - $150
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass - $25
Excessive sweating - $25
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo - $50
Asking leader for a solo - $30
Accepting solo when offered - $50
Taking second chorus - $100
Playing solo arco - $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune - $100
Playing A Train ending on every tune - $200
Playing extended A Train ending on every tune - $500
ELECTRIC PLAYERS:
Checking hair between tunes - $15
Experimenting with odd meters - $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill - $25
Playing with a pick - $50
Tuning during ballad - $30
Playing Jaco groove on samba - $75
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad - $150
Attempting last word on final chord - $50
Achieving last word on final chord - $100
Long gliss down to final note - $200
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS (ELECTRIC):
Forgetting strap - $10
Changing strings after every set - $15
Using electric tuner - $15
Setting up mic “just in case” - $75
Forgetting to turn amp on - $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip - $50
Asking horn player for help moving amp - $25
Bringing custom-made bass - $100 per string above 4
Bringing more than 1 bass - $100 per extra bass Skull decals on bass - $150
Bringing fretless bass - $500
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE:
Telling bone player about all the
gigs you get - $10
Asking bone player about their day gig - $10
Sitting behind drums on break - $10
Quoting Birdland - $25
Practicing scales during break - $25
Practicing scales during drum solo - $50
Practicing - $150
Beginning a sentence with “When I was a guitar player...” - $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are “into sequencing” - $10
BASIC STUPIDITY
Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt - $10
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt - $20
Asking when the rock set starts - $20
Continually asking “Where are we?” - $25
Continually shouting “Yeah!” - $25
Asking bone player where “1” is - $50
Taking cellphone call during 4’s - $100
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If you think rap music is easy and doesn’t require talent and lots of
practice—think again. We’re not sure what possessed this woman to do this
(perhaps a bet amongst colleagues), but she certainly proves that even simple
sounding musical genres may not be so simple to perform.
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Back in the 80’s, before digital technology came to the home, it was much
harder to put together a good quality demo. However, rule number one is
never apologize for you demo (especially if you’re sending it to professional
A&R people). Rule number two is, if you’re demo sounds like this don’t
send to anyone. And, no, that jerkiness in the video is probably not your
internet connection. It's stylish 80’s cinematography!
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Well, 80’s want-a-be superstar, Average Homeboy, has put a little more work
into his demos. Trying to cleanse himself of the embarrassment of his
first video, he has a new stage name, a fact made abundantly clear throughout the
video. This new demo is much better than his first, bringing
Average Homeboy’s work up to...well...just below average. Again, when the
video becomes jerky and begins to strobe it’s not your connection; it’s actually the way he edited his video.
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SINGER’S NAME_____________ REAL NAME_____________
INFRACTION DATE _____________
PREPARATION / EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS:
Doesn’t know how to
adjust mic stand - $15
Can’t figure out how to connect cable to mic - $15
Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors - $50
Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors - $75
Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage - $15
Lays mic down facing kick drum - $20
Lays mic down facing guitar amp - $25
Lays mic down facing monitor - $50
Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song - $75
Straight arms mic when singing - $15
Drops mic - $10
Leaves lipstick all over mic - $100
Doesn’t have set list - $10
Doesn’t have keys on set list - $15
Doesn’t have original songs charted - $20
SINGING VIOLATIONS:
Doesn’t know key to songs - $10
Doesn’t know when to come in - $15
Modulates without informing band - $20
Continues singing in old key after song modulates - $30
Forgets original singer of song - $10
Dances great but sings off key and out of time - $30
Gets off key singing a capella - $200
Stands onstage but doesn’t sing harmonies - $30
Sings bad harmonies - $35
Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song - $40
Stops song halfway through and starts over - $25
Forgets to sing bridge - $20
Forgets words - $20
Sings verses out of order in song - $15
Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song - $100
Holds words to song while singing onstage - $20
Looks at pager while singing song - $10
Sings consistently flat - $25
Sings consistently sharp - $25
Sings too softly - $5
Just plain ol’ CANNOT SING, but buys band a round of drinks - No Charge
Sings Stand By Your Man in the key of A - $30
Wants to sing Crazy by Patsy Cline more than once a night - $100
Thinks that Poor Pitiful Me is a new Terri Clark song rather
than an old Warren Zevon song - $50
Thinks that I Will Always Love You is a new Whitney Houston
song instead of an old Dolly Parton song - $100
“Dolly who?” - $50
“Patsy who?” - $10
STAGE PRESENCE VIOLATIONS:
Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal - $20
Holds guitar, but doesn’t play - $15
Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in - $25
Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in - $250
Plays tambourine - $10
Plays tambourine out of time - $50
Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer’s secrets laying all over stage - $25
Plays harmonica solo during song - $100
Tells jokes over mic - $5
Tells bad jokes over mic - $50
Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic - $500
Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend - $35
Argues with band members onstage - $150
Argues offstage with boyfriend musician - $175
Argues onstage with boyfriend musician - $200
Gripes at band onstage - $20
Gripes at band onstage over mic - $75
Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig - $15
Uses cell phone on stage during gig - $30
Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick on stage - $15
Thousand dollar outfit, ten dollars worth of singing lessons - $60
MISCELLANEOUS OTHER VIOLATIONS:
Late for gig - $30
Dates a musician in the band - $50
Dates the drummer - $150
Sets foot on a Karaoke stage - $20
Sings on a Karaoke stage - $50
Uses fictitious last name - $50
Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, “Hey baby, I’ll make
you a STAR” - $20
Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time - $10,000
Hates the phrase “chick singer” - $500
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There's something strange about this classical piano duo. Maybe it’s
the hair. Maybe it’s the way they depreciate the resale value of every
piano they play.
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Without missing a beat and right on cue with the cymbal crash, a tuba (actually sousaphone) player lovingly teaches a small child a thing or two about disrupting a performance.
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...I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late
and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul
for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace,
the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I
heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently I’m still lost...
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Stacey Hedger really reaches for the stars during this performance of the theme from Star Wars. Unfortunately, she lands almost, but not quite,
a semitone too high. Incredibly, she is able to perform perfectly off-pitch for the entire piece and even treats us to some dance moves and mime.
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Some of you may know David Hasselhoff from the TV show Knight Rider.
Some of you may remember him from the TV show Baywatch. In Germany, he’s
praised as a pop music singer. Whether you think he’s a good singer or
not, the video imagery in this clip begs the question, “Does Mr. Hasselhoff have
any respect for his own music?”
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This public service announcement espouses the wholesome goodness of music. Is this commerical still in good taste? Were the well-meaning folks at AmericansForTheArts.org making a statement on the diversity of classical music-lovers?
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Many of you might remember the clever Ray Stephens song, I’m My Own Grandpa.
If you don’t remember how it came to be, here’s the song with a video by The
Sims.
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This new, serial method of playing the bottles requires a precision ankle
positioning, two ski poles and at least one city block depending on the tempo.
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There is a right way and a wrong way to learn rhythmic subdivision. If you do not
see the humor in this YouTube video you may have learned the wrong way.
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A vow of silence makes singing to the heavens a tricky endeavor.
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We found this one just by
chance and were concerned that some viewers may find it objectionable. The
consensus here was that it was too funny to pass up (and it certainly doesn’t
glorify Hitler); however, viewer’s discretion is advised.
History tells us that Adolph Hitler was once an aspiring painter.
It appears that his talents also extended to music.
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Looking forward to seeing Samuel L. Jackson’s new movie, Snakes on a Plane?
The performers featured in this Joke of the Fortnight pay a special tribute to what they feel
to be a questionable premise for a movie.
This music video contains some profanity; viewer’s discretion is advised.
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